You Are Definitely Not Addicted To Your Phone

Photo by  freestocks.org  on  Unsplash

Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

Your friends are so annoying. They can never leave their phones alone. They check Facebook during a f*cking movie! They just don’t have self-control. They are addicted to technology.

But not you. You have it under control. You understand what limits are. You don’t need an app to curb your phone usage — you got this. You don’t even know why other people can’t just put their phone down. I hear you.

But, I just want to remind you of 4 things I have actually seen you do.


1. You bring your phone with you into every room (including the bathroom)

Remember the time you went downstairs to fold laundry, but mid-shirt you went back upstairs to get your phone? You know, just in case your kids texted you. From inside the same house. P.S. — your kids were asleep. And you played a game of Dots because the load “needed” to be fluffed again.

Remember the time you were in the bathroom for 20 minutes during a dinner party? I thought you had Montezuma’s revenge from that lady’s spinach dip. Until I heard you laughing. And then I heard Hannah say something condescending. I could hear that because you were watching Girls. With 18 people still at the party table.

Remember the time you had me call your phone 18 times in a row because you “lost” your phone in your house? I was at work by the way. But I know it was important. You had an appointment in two days. And then the phone was in your back pocket. You had it on Do Not Disturb. By mistake.

2. You use your phone while “enjoying yourself” at a restaurant or bar

Remember the time we were at that work event and you had the waiter bring our tropical drinks over four separate times? Because your Boomerang capture was just too unstable with the little drink umbrellas not “sitting right in the frame.”

Remember the time you thought you got a good photo of the steak at Peter Luger? But then later, when you got home, you realized there was a hand in the photo that couldn’t be cropped out without losing some of the beef. So you went back to Peter Luger, just before closing, in your pajamas, and asked if you could go up to a random table and take a pic of the same steak you had. The next day you said if you wouldn’t have gone back your Instagram feed would not have been on fleek. P.S. — you don’t even know what that means. Neither do I.

Remember the time your partner was giving an anniversary toast? At your anniversary party. Where you were the featured guest. And when they finished and everyone clapped, you were still trying to find the right boot on Rue La La.

3. You use your phone consistently while “paying attention” to your kids

Remember the time little Billy fell off the monkey bars at the school carnival? And everyone was screaming because he landed awkwardly on top of another student. And they both crashed into the nearby table of “homemade” cupcakes that looked oddly like Sweet Melissa’s. And you didn’t know that this happened until five minutes later because an urgent notification came in. From Twitter. Because Jenny Johnson finally retweeted one of your jokes.

Remember the time the bounce house broke at Penelope’s fifth birthday party? And all the kids were trapped inside while it was deflating. And your partner was inside building an 899 piece Lego set. But we all had to help the kids out, at your daughter’s birthday party, because you were “working” on a new logo on Canva for a fictional business of a television character you liked. To tweet at her later.

Remember the time we went to Chuck E. Cheese with the whole class from school? And the kids found a dirty diaper in the ball pit. And they opened it. And your son threw the diaper. And it hit Mr. Regulus in the face. You heard the screaming and walked over, but you didn’t see what had happened because you didn’t lift your head up. Because you had to finish the last episode of Queer Eye because it was another tear jerker.

“The cell phone has become the adult’s transitional object, replacing the toddler’s teddy bear for comfort and a sense of belonging.” — Margaret Heffernan

4. You use your phone while you are driving all the time

Remember the time you sat through an entire light cycle? Green, yellow, red. Green again. And everyone was honking the whole time. But you couldn’t get the new episode of Serial to load. It was spinning. And you didn’t want to use your phone while you were driving.

Remember the time you drove onto the Ferbens’ lawn “by mistake?” You said it was because of the sound your phone made from the Amber alert. But there wasn’t an Amber alert after all. It was just that your Google Calendar reminded you that Big Little Lies started again that night. And you got really excited.

Remember the time you “had” to play the YouTube video for Sam Smith’s Too Good at Goodbyes while you were on the highway? To make sure it was suitable for your daughter to listen to. Even though you insisted the only way to do that was to watch the song. And we had just heard it on satellite radio two minutes before.

You Are Definitely Not Addicted To Your Phone

I know. Your friends do so much worse. These were all necessary or “work-related.” I just wanted you to know what I have seen. No judgment.

“It’s getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.” — Bob Newhart