Why the Concept of a Soulmate is Bullsh*t

It’s not that soulmates do or do not exist. They may. They may not.

It’s the concept of a soulmate that is bullsh*t.

Because it makes us all feel inferior. About ourselves. About our relationships. About our insecurities. About every little thing that goes wrong on a day-to-day basis with our partner.

As if true soulmates never argue. Never harbor resentment. Never hide their feelings. Never go to sleep angry.

Of course not.

Soulmates make each other an equally pleasing breakfast in bed every morning.

Soulmates stop an argument before it happens by sitting cross-legged on the floor and meditating together for five minutes while staring into each other’s eyes.

Soulmates are always just the right amount of honest. When the new shirt shows off his gut too much she knows just how to phrase it so it comes across as loving, but helpful. When she gains six pounds in the winter he knows the perfect words to be encouraging, but accepting.

Really?

“The idea of a soulmate is beautiful and very romantic to talk about it in a movie or a song, but in reality, I find it scary.” — Vanessa Paradis

What Happens When We Change?

Does an “ideally suited” partner adapt to changes in our respective lives? Usually not.

The concept of ideally suited seems temporal to me. In relationships, people change at varying rates and speeds, based on many different factors.

Some suffer a tragedy. Some suffer an awakening. And it changes them.

They may realize they want more. Out of the world. Not necessarily their partner. But when they realize they want more, sometimes the relationship can’t hold that goal. Because it’s too big.

“Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes.” — Hugh Prather

Life does change. Constantly. Adaptability is admirable, but it’s not a guarantee. Certainly not for a relationship.

What if someone was your soulmate at one time? But not anymore. That’s why the concept of a soulmate is bullsh*t.

Because instead of coming to a mutual agreement that our best times have passed, we bang our head against the wall in counseling that we know isn’t going to work.

Not because the love is gone. But because our trajectories in life have changed. And maybe the next part of the journey is to be trekked alone. Or with someone else. Or a different way.

(Note: I know that counseling can work wonders and keep couples together who belong that way. But I also know it’s a measure people take to say they did, before giving up like they were going to do anyway.)

The Search for a Soulmate is Bullsh*t Too

If you envision your ideal concept of a soulmate, whether you believe they are real or not. What do you think of?

For me, if it did exist, a search would be unnecessary. My soulmate wouldn’t be hiding at the other end of Plenty of Fish. Or at a dive bar at 3:23 a.m. A soulmate sounds ethereal to me.

If this person did exist, they would find me. Whenever the time was right.

But people scour the world (Internet) for their soulmate. The use matching algorithms (which we now know are complete horsesh*t thanks to Facebook and most social media platforms) to convince themselves that if someone is a 96% match, they could be their soulmate.

But that’s exactly why the concept of a soulmate if bullsh*t.

Because it makes us ungrateful. Unhappy. Unfulfilled. With who we are with. Or if we are alone.

Because our expectations are in the f*cking clouds.

“Romantic comedies seem to take over where the fairytales of childhood left off, feeding our dreams of a soulmate; though, sadly, the Hollywood endings prove quite elusive in the real world.” — Mariella Frostrup

Enjoying the Journey

Whoever says they like casual dating is a psychopath. It’s a disaster at all ages. Even when it goes well, it’s still a chore. We kiss the frogs to find the prince or princess.

And that’s why the concept of a soulmate is bullsh*t.

Stop looking for your royal heir or heiress to ride into your dream on a white unicorn. No, it’s not even a dream. It’s real. They exist. My prince or princess actually exists. Then your dog pisses on your floor. Because you couldn’t wake up from your soulmate fantasy.

We are all on a journey. In life. In work. In love.

Why not take the time to enjoy it?

When you discount the notion of a soulmate or “the one,” you open yourself up to experiences. Without a preconceived notion about what it should be. Without constantly worrying about the future. Without spending time wondering what someone else is doing when you could be reading a good book.

The journey for love should be fun and unrestrained. The more we shackle the journey, the more we will kick ourselves later.

“Love isn’t something you find. Love is something that finds you.” — Loretta Young